Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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