I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
