when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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