Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
