She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
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Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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