Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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