Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
