I wish I could teleport
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
