This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
