i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Houston, we have a squirter
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
