i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
