I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
