I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
