im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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