walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
