the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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