i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
