What did we do last night that was yellow?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
