I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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