Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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