God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
