My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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