booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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