Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
