When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
