So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
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Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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