so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
