allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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