she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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