Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
