i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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