I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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