just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I love having hate sex.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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