So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
please come you make the beer taste better
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
