living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
