I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
