she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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