Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
