i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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