Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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