I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
