Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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