A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
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For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
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I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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