Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
