Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
