The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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