Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
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I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
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Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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