Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
