I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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