I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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