Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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