She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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