He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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