we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
