Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
