Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
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I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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