What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
