dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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