if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
