Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Randomize
