Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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