i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
